The Unheard Stories of a College Graduate: Imposter Syndrome
Have you ever entered into a new space and place and felt as though sooner rather than later the people around you were going to find out that you aren’t in fact qualified to share the same air as them? That you were the black sheep; the one that did not belong? Consistently comparing yourself, your accomplishments, or lack thereof with those next to you? During most of my academic career, since I have accepted my role as a forever student, I have most definitely felt that way on many occasions. Therefore, I am writing this blog post to let you and even reinforce to myself, that we are not alone, you are not alone! I have observed from those around me that many times when we are going through a rough patch, whether that be suffering from depression, generalized anxiety, or any situation in general, we think that we are the only ones in the entire world suffering, that in this vast ocean of individuals, that what is occurring in our lives can only happen to us – I know because that is how I think.
During my first semester as a graduate student, fresh off the press from undergrad, I found myself questioning my worth and my ability to share the same space with students who have done way more than me. I remember my first class like it was yesterday. We started class promptly at 6 pm, where the professor introduced themselves and outlined to us what we should expect from our graduate program, the faculty members, and from ourselves. They then shifted gears and asked for each of us to introduce ourselves, I remember thinking to myself “what am I possibly going to say”and “what can I contribute to this space, a space that I don’t even think I belong in or even qualified to me in”. The first student went, they stated all the research that they did and their current research interest. The second student went and stated the same. The third student went, and guess what? They stated the same. Each student boasted, as they should, about all the research opportunities they had and the areas in which they wanted to excel in. By the time it was my turn, my body was facing the door and I was planning my escape. My heart started to race, and my throat started to become clamped. I did not have any profound research experience and I did not know exactly what my research interest was; I knew I was interested in understanding more about mental health within the Afro-Caribbean community. I tried to talk myself up more within my introduction to deflect from the fact that I was less qualified to be here and honestly the less qualified person within the room. After our introductions were over, we stepped into another activity. However, if you were to ask me what it was, I would not be able to tell you because my mind was occupied with the thought of being “found out”; knowing that at any moment someone was going to turn the stage lights on me and shout from the rooftop,“She does not belong here!”. I tried my best to focus and to ease my mind, but I failed. I sat there, with a blank expression on my face, thinking about ways I could politely tell my dad that I was going to drop out.
On my way, back home from my first ever graduate class, that thought and feeling stuck with me; you do not belong here, stop trying to fit it, and give up. The thought became so loud that as soon as I reached into my apartment, I got ready for bed and cried. I cried until I felt all the water leave my body. I cried until I had nothing left. After keeping most of my tears out, I got up and thought to myself, “who can I call or message to reaffirm me, since I am unable to do that for myself right now?”. That lead me to email one of my favorite undergrad professors, Dr. Geisz. I emailed him and told him what I was feeling; that I did not belong and that it was a mistake that UCF admissions accepted me over other students who applied. Within minutes, which felt like hours, I got a response. As my eyes traced over each sentence, clinging onto each word as if they were providing me with oxygen, I found myself being fueled with a newfound purpose and confidence. Sometimes that’s what we need to combat imposter syndrome; sometimes we need someone who sees us better than we see ourselves to tell us what they see and why they see it. Therefore, when we hear or read those words, we start to internalize them and hopefully manipulate ourselves to think that way about your own selves. He may not know it, but by him sharing those sentiments on what a great student I am and what I can bring to the table, it kept me from dropping out. However, those words only worked because I started to believe it for myself. Often times we allow our negative perceptions about ourselves to drown the actual reality of ourselves; we think that we are the person we have made up in our head when in reality we are so much more and hold so much more power than we can ever grasp. It took me a while to walk in that truth, because just like healing and growing – the path is never linear. The path comes with it a lot of hills and valleys, some days I still question what I am doing here. I am in my second year and I still ask myself, “what are you doing here?”. Then I immediately remind myself of something my mother once told me, that having room to grow is better than not having any room at all. Therefore, even though I may not have all the experience in the world, I know that there is room for growth and I need to stop judging myself based on the room that is missing but look at the room that I have filled.
That is my omen to anyone reading this, look at the progress you have made thus far. You have made it to the other side of an obstacle you once thought you were never going to go through – you have arrived! Therefore, if you can make it over this hill, what’s stopping you from making it over those other hills? You are capable of anything because you have survived 100% of all your bad days. I know your imposter syndrome may be occupying all the space within your mind, but try your best to allow yourself and remind yourself that you belong and that you can take up as much space as you want too; you were meant to have a seat at this table.